


Remorseful Regrets

by LavworthMyWay



Category: Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: If Kaworu did not take the DSS choker away from Shinji, M/M, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-07-12 16:05:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7112824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LavworthMyWay/pseuds/LavworthMyWay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It didn't have to end this way.</p>
<p>But it did.</p>
<p>It shouldn't have ended this way.</p>
<p>But it should.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remorseful Regrets

A sob echoed across the walls.

A broken sob echoed across the cold walls.

A broken, wretched sob echoed painfully across the cold walls of the plug.

Kaworu trembled with every shaky breath he took. His fingers dug into his palms, the pain but a numb distraction now. Hot tears spilled out of his eyes, which red hue matched the splattered mess before him. His heart wrenched in agony, and he was so certain no physical pain inflicted upon him could amount to the mental torment crushing him at the current moment.

He didn't bother subduing the sounds escaping past his chapped lips. After loosening his hand with gritting effort, he reached a hand out. Hesitant fingertips grazed on the barrier, which rippled from the feather-light contact. He's scared. Scared that everything would crumble if he actually touched it. The red slop dripped down slowly, its viscous texture sticking onto the barrier. 

He could almost feel the warmth of the blood. The blood of the love of his life.

It didn't have to end this way.

But it did.

It shouldn't have ended this way.

But it should.

Ikari Shinji was merely paying the price for his grave mistake. What was the problem with that?

_(Everything, Kaworu thought bitterly, every single thing.)_

The bright scarlet mocked him for his carelessness. Such a vibrant colour, Kaworu mused emptily, so it could make up for the loss of a life. A tragedy that it was all but a cruel reminder of his pitiful failure. He should have taken that dreadful collar away and make himself bear the sins instead. If it wasn't for Shinji's stubborn insistence to continue wearing it, he would have taken it away.

He should have.

So why didn't he?

If it meant preventing his fragile life from being crushed and reduced to torn flesh and splattered blood, Kaworu would even wrench it away from Shinji's neck no matter how hard he refused.

Never before had Kaworu regard blood with such burning acrimony.

Pain punctured his heart as another cry clawed its way out of his chest. Remorse ripped him apart. He couldn't take this. He simply couldn't. He thought he could handle it. Death, that is. He thought that after going through multiple deaths in horrible ways ( _the pain never lessened, it just grew familiar like a damning chronic migraine_ ), he could handle death without much difficulty.

So why wasn't this any easier?

He tried to look past the bloody barrier, but the notion of seeing the state of the body after all  _that_ made Kaworu nauseated. Was that how Shinji felt every time he took Kaworu's life with his bare hands? Was this what Kaworu made Shinji go through every single time? While he, filled with nervous anticipation, underwent another cycle to grant Shinji happiness, the Shinji he left behind had to struggle on, alone and heartbroken. 

He scoffed coldly, realising the extent of his selfishness. How sinfully self-centred. Guilt and hatred ate away at Kaworu the more he suffocated in the never-ending cycle of self-blame and self-loathing. Perhaps this cycle was his retribution. How ironic. In the process of giving Shinji the happiness he deserved, he instead gave Shinji the misery he all along had been protecting him from. Kaworu had no right to remain by his side. Kaworu had no right to continue striving to be by his side. Kaworu had no right to cling onto this egotistical goal.

He had lost. And he accepted it with heavy penance.

A hollow smile tugged at his lips. Kaworu leaned away from the barrier, away from Shinji, away from his greedy fantasies.

Come, sweet death. If this was any way to repent for his sins for causing Shinji so much pain, then so be it.

Waves of anguish drowned him, and he let himself be.

**Author's Note:**

> This is an idea often toyed with by many, but I rarely get to see it fully developed. Granted, my interpretation of this 'what if' scenario isn't fully fleshed out either, but it was just a way to satisfy my need for seeing a broken Kaworu.
> 
> It was just a spark of inspiration this afternoon, aided with some ideas scattered across the previous weeks of musing over this troublesome pairing. So there you have it, a short exploration to what I think may happen if Shinji kept the DSS choker on.
> 
> Hope it was an enjoyable read.


End file.
